Find Competitive Calm
Find Competitive Calm:
Don't Let Your Emotions Get in the Way—Learn to Activate Them Instead
Competitive Calm-we don't usually see these two words next to each other. So, when I have shared the concept, I usually hear "alright - I'll bite, lay it out." Here's how I lay it out.
A Question I Hear often,
A question I hear often, whether on the field, in the classroom, or from executives is:
"How do I stop my emotions from getting in the way of my performance?"
After thirty years of coaching team sports, being an entrepreneur, teaching college & advising—I've learned something crucial: It's the wrong question.
The real question isn't how to keep emotions out of the way. It's how to develop what I call Competitive Calm—the capacity to perform at your peak precisely because you understand and use what you're feeling, not despite it.
The Moment That Changes Everything
Picture this: You're in a high-stakes moment. Maybe it's:
• The championship game with two minutes left
• A critical presentation with a client that can deliver the 4th quarter
• A difficult conversation with someone on your team
• A decision that will impact your career trajectory or development
Your heart races. Your thoughts speed up. You feel pressure, fear, excitement, doubt—sometimes all at once.
Most people think the goal is to suppress these feelings. Stay calm. Don't let emotions interfere.
But here's what I've learned: The athletes, students, and professionals who consistently perform at the highest level aren't the ones who shut down their emotions. They're the ones who have learned to understand them and perform by being informed by them.
The Hockey Shift: A Perfect Example
In hockey, you play your shift and quickly you're back on the bench. It’s short-time before you're up again. Between shifts you must recover physically, emotionally, and mentally quickly. During that time, you reflect on the last plays to pull what you've learned, you weigh in the plays you made or observed, you share what you saw with your team, and you use all that data to inform your next plays. You find the right voice to yourself, and you go and you repeat that all game.
What Competitive Calm Really Means
Competitive Calm isn't about being emotionless. It's about accessing your full capacity—mental, emotional, and physical—when it matters most.
When you're truly calm, you can:
• Handle greater complexity
• Navigate difficult conversations with clarity
• Make better decisions under pressure
• Maintain your best thinking when stakes are highest
But here's the insight that changed how I coach this: Emotional regulation is just the starting point, not the destination.
I recently heard psychologist RaQuel Hopkins explain it perfectly: "Emotional regulation manages discomfort, but it doesn't necessarily help you understand it." (Worklife with Adam Grant)
Think about that. You can be perfectly composed on the outside—breathing controlled, body language steady, self-talk in check—and still be:
• Disconnected from what you're feeling
• Unaware of what's driving your reactions
• Just coping, not actually adjusting or developing
That's the difference between performing calm and being calm. One is a mask. The other is capacity.
Athletes "park-it" as a strategy during play, but it's important to remember that's unfinished business.
The Three Levels of Competitive Calm
Over three decades, I've watched thousands of athletes, students, and professionals work on growing their capacity to perform better. The ones who get there move through three distinct levels:
Level 1: REGULATE
The Skill: Pause. Breathe. Respond instead of reacting.
This is where everyone starts. You learn to notice when your nervous system is activated and use tools to manage it—deep breathing, grounding techniques, self-talk.
What it gives you: You can stay functional. You won't fall apart in the moment.
What it doesn't give you: Understanding. Growth. Sustainable high performance.
Real example: A college student of mine was visibly nervous before her first pitch presentation in our Entrepreneurship class. It was her first time in front of this class. She could stay calm before it was her turn, but when she was called up, anxiety appeared. She had not figured out why.
Level 2: RELATE/AWARENESS
The Skill: Explore what's beneath the emotion.
This is where most people stop developing. But this is where capacity really begins to expand.
You start asking: "What is this emotion telling me? What am I actually afraid of? What does this anger or anxiety or frustration want me to know?"
What it gives you: Self-knowledge. The ability to adapt based on what you understand about yourself.
Real example: That same student, later in the quarter, had her final presentation. She had discovered in the first one that her anxiety was coming from her fear of being embarrassed. As a class we worked on this, since a lot of them felt that same emotion. She was able to reframe her nerves to excitement and overcome the embarrassment by thinking of her presentation as a gift to her peers and they were not judging her—rather they were excited to hear her pitch and wishing her well. She crushed it!
Level 3: EVOLVE/ADJUST
The Skill: Integrate emotional intelligence with competitive presence.
This is where competitive calm becomes a genuine advantage. You're not managing emotions OR being controlled by them. You're working WITH your whole self.
What it gives you: Peak capacity. You can handle maximum complexity because you're not fighting yourself.
Real example: A common conversation I have with my athletes during games goes something like this: I look over and see them slightly separated from the team on the sideline, trying to work through a recent 'mistake.' I come over and ask what are you processing? "I lost the ball on the last play." I saw that, was it a good play on their part, or is it something you'd change next time? "I just need to _____ next time I dodge." Great, so you have the adjustment. I am glad you learned that—you can let the last play go, you're ready for the next shift.
The adjustment is the action, not the emotion.
How to Practice Competitive Calm (Get reps)
You can't develop this by reading about it. You need reps. Here's what I recommend:
Practice 1: The Pause-Name-Understand Sequence (Daily, 5 minutes)
When you notice a strong emotion:
1. PAUSE - Take three deep breaths. Get present.
2. NAME - What am I actually feeling? (Be specific: not just "stressed" but "anxious about being judged")
3. UNDERSTAND - What is this emotion telling me? What does it want me to know?
4. NEXT PLAY - Get into the action, test how your competitive calm now serves you.
Where to practice: After any moment that triggered a strong response—a meeting, a game, a conversation, even reading an email.
Practice 2: The Pre-Performance Ritual (Before high-stakes moments)
Before any important performance:
1. Check in - What am I feeling right now? (Don't judge it, just notice)
2. Decode - What's useful in this emotion? (Even anxiety can sharpen focus; anger can fuel determination)
3. Channel - How can I work WITH this feeling rather than against it? Check your self-talk. Make sure the voice is positive and forwarding.
The key: You're not trying to eliminate the emotion. You're learning to partner with it.
Practice 3: The Complexity Challenge (Weekly)
Once a week, deliberately put yourself in a moderately challenging situation while practicing all three levels:
• Have that slightly uncomfortable conversation
• Take on that stretch assignment
• Compete in that practice situation with added pressure
During the challenge:
• REGULATE: Notice your nervous system, keep yourself present
• RELATE: Get curious about what you're feeling and why
• EVOLVE: Let your understanding inform how you show up next time
After the challenge:
• What did you learn about your emotional patterns?
• How did understanding change your capacity?
• What will you practice next time?
The Bottom Line
True competitive calm is about achieving clarity—understanding yourself well enough that you can access your full capacity under pressure and creating a calm state to perform in.
Get some reps.
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About the Author: Phil McCarthy is a performance coach, consulting business, high performers, early-career professionals and student-athletes. He can be found at https://www.northstaradvisoryllc.com/I
